fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
