I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
