I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize