I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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