my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
