y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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