And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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