She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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