I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
