I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
