Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
