I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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