I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
