My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
