I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
