If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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