Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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