Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
