i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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