can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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