I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
