She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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