There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
