I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
