i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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