It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I wish my penis had an off switch
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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