I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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