sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
