how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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