It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
