dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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