To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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