I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
