I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Mom said you looked used
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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