found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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