I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
