apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
