Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
