i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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