Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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