you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
