I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Shame is for Republicans.
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