it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize