My hair reeks of homosexuality.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You left your phone here
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