My sheets look like a crime scene.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
