So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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