I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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