There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
this just has baby written all over it
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
