since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
