Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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