Can i not drive my cunt home
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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