Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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