i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
